Practically a Joke

We huddled anxiously; five flashlights

switched off to let our eyes adjust,

all systems Go after a week of planning.

We pushed from our canvas

platform tent into the scattered moonlight,

crept to Ricky’s tent, carefully

lifted the stiff fabric door flaps—

he was asleep. Counting on fingers:

1, 2, …3, we lifted his cot and carried him,

cleverly, into the woods on a path

we’d cleared and marked. A hundred feet,

holding back laughter. We snuck away; he

snored. We flocked around the picnic table.

Leigh, usually quiet behind his thick Welsh accent,

cackled, and we busted up. Seth hopped

on the table and ripped off his shirt,

dancing around, reminding someone

of the one-armed stripper joke.

 

Then we heard twigs snap,

whispered shut up.

Ricky emerged from the trees,

feet bare, hair awry—

our laughter erupting. Then,

his look of confusion

magnified by his voice:

Guys, I woke up and

I was like, ‘Where

the fuck am I?’

and we howled.

 

The words aren’t that funny, anymore—

too many times I’ve

fallen asleep, been carried

into the woods,

slept there so long

that when I finally wake

up, I think nothing different.

 

Finally, Matt, the dumbass,

booted a tin fire bucket like

a soccer ball, sent it clanging

over rocks and roots,

and a flashlight beam darted

out from Ricky’s father’s tent.

Christmas

I sigh and lift the covers

over my head

the rain pours down outside it stopped

then I wonder to my amazement my surprise

I see a familiar face standing in the doorway

grinning I rise and shine and sort through my underwear

Misplaced underwear perfumed socks and so much yes

much more I can hardly wait to open your present from

last year’s Christmas

Echoes of Forgotten Song

Bitter silent release washes over the land

bitter silent release grabs you by your hand

 

Alone by yourself, not alone with yourself

listen to your thoughts and converse with yourself

 

And speak the distant ocean, and think the river long

Question the ancient forests and listen to their song

 

You are one with the natural beauty, distant from us all

Play with fairie spirits, when they respond to your call

 

No human interruption to distract your earthen mother

no human misconceptions to make you stray to any other

 

Silver trees and pale seas, no questions and no lies

silver trees and pale seas are but a reflection of your eyes

 

Kindred spirit and mountain king, travel far to hear you sing

Song and tale of mystic knight, using stars as guides through the night

 

Speak the distant ocean, think the river long

Question the ancient forests, then write your own song

Unheard

Ouch

 

There’s something pulling at the inside of my chest…

 

It’s almost as if—my soul wants out… to show itself

…escape this carnal cage—

and all it can do is expand in my center

…causing all this mortal hurt;

a pang in my chest, a beating at the fore of my brain…

 

I wonder how far my soul would spread

If it were unlocked…

…unleashed…

…unwrapped from all this flab and phlegm

…let to shed this mortal shell…

 

I wonder what color emotion would be…

I wonder how loud it would sound…

 

Ear piercing, I’m sure.

Lovestruck and Unworried

oh to be lovestruck and unworried

if the sky is falling

but my feet are numb now

so the water

creeping over my ankles

laughs without peril

I enjoy having my feet wet

and then some

 

the perils of trying to be multidimensional

only arise

when the paper people break their bonds

and shrug into reality

like the way your shoulders look like

a tilting coathanger when you sit in front of me

and I know you have no depth within

those collarbones and

back muscles that flex beneath cotton

anything not filled with holywater

holywords and trivia

is ignored and spiderwebby from lack of use

 

I know it’s too much to ask you

to understand

but the unspoken promises between the three of us

vibrate just beneath the skin

and the trembling of my fingers soothes

the aching of shoulders that should carry wings

instead of bookbags

and your words penetrate my ears over any tiny din

although the voice is little but a whisper

 

“when I look around I think this

this is good enough

and I try to laugh at whatever life brings

’cause if I look down I just miss all the good stuff

and if I look up I just trip over things”

 

but oh to be lovestruck and unworried

if the sky is falling

Back for One More Taste

Back for one more taste

of her sweetness.

Lying in the bath tub again.

Honey, can I get you some more wine

a little something to go with your love

or are you saving that for later

dessert just for me

between your waiting thighs?

 

“Again” and she comes back

Shows me all the things she’s been saving for “the one”

The one she wants to live forever next to

Maybe…

Does that mean I’m the one?

 

And she comes to me again

through the walls

this time it’s through the blood

Through the love we share and then she’s gone

gone and it was just another dream

another shitty fantasy the toaster wakes me up for

so I can roast marshmallows on my hunger

Shallow pools of saliva left in the sink

from her midnight snack

Happened to be feasting on me

It’s two o’clock in the morning

just dying to have you back baby

 

Break my windows

Do what you have to do

So afraid of losing you

What happens after love?

Do we just move on

pretending we never loved anyone?

What’s it to you, beautiful

Who needs your ways,

who needs your promises

All right I know

I do

 

And she comes on hard to me

Rips my clothes,

shreds my innocence

Wondering what it is she wants

and prepared to give it all to her

Just love me?

It’s all I ask

But that’s too simple for her

Her love is all sticks and stones,

she’s already broken every bone,

and she’s trying to scare me away

Touching me in all the right places

But baby I want you more every time our skin meets

You’re somewhere between heaven and earth

and I don’t ever want to leave

Even Public Transport Arrives Eventually

We’re all waiting

For the right one

To come along

Make everything better.

Waiting to share food

With a real life human

Not a television version

Who smiles without us.

Waiting for the voice

To articulate our hearts

And lift us

Right when we need it.

Waiting for a hand to hold

Down a street

Through fear

In ecstasy.

We can’t help waiting

It’s called being human

It all comes down to

What we do in the meantime.

Will You?

Will you

be there for me?

when I’m broken

when I’m lost

will you always

be there

for me?

 

Still a little child

in this world

in this world

I’m still a little child

without a clue

I’ll even trust you

 

take my hand and lead me away

from safety

lead me to you

rape my mind

steal my soul

take it all

it’s waiting for you

Red BMW

I got off the train, not knowing where I had to travel in the cold night. I had a rough idea, but I’ve been having terrible luck trusting my rough ideas lately. I thought I’d ask someone for details. The passengers that had gotten off the train with me obviously knew where they were going, because their strides were purposeful and quick. Looking for someone to help, I turned to a middle-aged lady in smart business clothes and voiced my question. She looked at me strangely for a second, as though I was speaking a foreign language, then just as quickly she snapped out of it and told me the direction I had to walk. Then she added “But I have to go that way. I can give you a ride if you’d like.”

When she said that my mind traveled years back to primary school, when they would sit us all down on the floor and try to convince us not to do stupid things. Don’t light fires. Don’t play with guns. Don’t trust anyone wearing a trench coat. Don’t accept rides from strangers.

I’ve broken most of these, except the trench coat one, so I decided that I should accept her offer. The situation, statistically speaking, was more dangerous for her than for me. Newspapers are hardly littered with stories about middle-aged women kidnapping and torturing innocent teenage boys.

 

We walked to her car. She pointed it out to me, and I wasn’t surprised to see that it was a little red two-door BMW. She opened the door for me first and I slipped into the leather seats, running my hands along the wood dashboard that contained an elaborate stereo system. I pictured her zipping along the road, humming happily along to a Brahms concerto. Or maybe some jazz. I didn’t ask her. Sitting in her car I was consumed by warmth, not just from the heating, but because of her. If men use cars as penis extensions, this was the female equivalent.

We kept talking. It was on a different level to small talk, but neither of us said what we were thinking. I felt her quiet desperation—she told me of her divorce; or rather she talked enough to let it slip. She talked about her sons and their jobs and wives. I’ve never experienced any of it but I had an idea how she felt. Feelings are rarely different, only the catalysts.

We drove down some very dark streets and it occurred to me that maybe women picking up young boys in cars happens all the time, just doesn’t make the papers. I have to say that the prospect didn’t worry me greatly. I felt like she might need it in some weird animal way. Her respectable world of business wear and dinner parties and BMWs and sons with high-paying jobs probably didn’t have much of an outlet for selfish and carnal pursuits. If she thought I could help, I would try my best. The years had been kind to her, not just financially, and I felt like telling her.

But of course I didn’t. It may have been my own loneliness that I could smell. Perhaps she was completely happy with her existence, and only offered a ride to a stranger out of kindness, and not for the thrill of the unknown, the chance that something, anything, could happen. Maybe she didn’t sense the opportunity that we could both waste some of our lives doing something for no reason. Or that we could be honest despite our species’ aversion to it.

My stop came quickly. I lingered while we finished talking. She touched my knee before I opened the door. It was as though she wanted to know I was real. Neither of us had the words that night, or the abandon to bypass words in favor of lust. When I closed the door and crossed the road she spoke again. They were related to what we were talking about but not what we were thinking. I replied with a laugh and another note of gratitude, to which she smiled. I kept walking and she drove off into the night.

Land Lost in the Current

I noticed the rivers first. From the airplane window I watched them pour, brown and silty, into the blue ocean. Smaller streams converged, carrying the island’s sediment to the sea. I didn’t have to fall back on my boy scout training in soil and water conservation to know that something was out of balance. It seemed little wonder that the rivers were so dirty—hardly any vegetation stood out on the brown hills.

We began descending, and the land flew by as the plane grew closer. Open land, scattered with villages, came into view, then individual shacks, structures amounting to little more than scraps of tin, cardboard, and spare lumber. It was difficult to get a good look at them from the sky, but soon people were visible, black specks laboring in dirt yards. Thousands of feet overhead, their suffering and sadness was thick around me.

Then, out of the distance, a cluster of cement and rust and walls: Port-au-Prince. It looked bad from the air—the place emanated poverty—but once inside, it was more a hellhole of humanity.

Buildings rushed by faster now, and although they were not far below, they grew more difficult to distinguish. The airport came into view, our runway straight ahead. We landed for the third time that day. When the plane came to a stop on the airstrip, we strained to see the airport building through the windows, catching glimpses of turquoise walls and black men pressed to the railing that lined the rooftop.

Finally, the aisles cleared enough that the fifteen of us from a church of sixty in Glen Rock, Pennsylvania, could make our way past the cockpit to the door. I came squinting into the bright sun at the top of a set of stairs, and my senses sprung to life, soaking up as much of the scene as my spirit would contain. The air was hot, but less humid than at home; the sky was bluer; clouds wisped by. Directly before me, only a few hundred yards away, stood men, flesh and blood humans, black skin shining in the sunlight on the airport rooftop. I had tried, but never had I imagined them to be so real.

A member of my group who was ahead of me, already on the airstrip below, waved and yelled “Marcel!” One of the Haitians crowded onto the rooftop broke into a broad smile and waved. I waved back as I began descending the stairs. He would be our guide and primary translator for the next nine days. On the gray cement runway, littered with long, zigzagging cracks, our group collected, then walked toward the glass doors of the airport.

Inside we waited in line on pale red tiles with white speckles. A white sign on the wall read, “We apologize for the poor conditions at the airport, but we are doing everything we can to repair it.” At the customs counter, which looked more like a ticket booth, two men muttered a thickly accented “Hi,” before checking, stamping, and signing our passports.

We walked down a hallway to a large room where luggage conveyor belts wove amongst the crowd. We watched for our suitcases and we looked around at the chaos. Two murals brought life to the room, celebrating some event in Haitian history. Bored army officers stood with machine guns.

We piled our gear onto carts, then took them to a waiting room where Marcel met us. He quickly briefed us on what to do when we entered the courtyard outside, but I only caught a little of what he said.

“If someone touches the suitcase you are carrying, even just lays a hand on it, tell them, ‘no.’ They’ll expect payment for even appearing to help you carry it.”

Reentering the Haitian heat, we were immediately approached by lines of men in dirty polo shirts, and we kept our heads down and told them “no.” We piled our gear in the middle of a macadam courtyard surrounded by a chain-link fence and circled around it to keep anyone from trying to carry it for us. Marcel and two of the adult leaders went to bring the trucks sent to carry us to St. Marc, where we were spending the week at a missions compound.

They were stalled by men arguing that they should have a chance at carrying our gear. Once they were in the parking lot, the gate shut behind them. Black men lined the outside of the fence, holding onto the links like prisoners clinging to the bars of their jail cells.

It was a stirring portrait of the country’s plight, so for the first time I grabbed my camera and focused a shot, until a man to my right hollered at me in Creole to put it away. I didn’t get the shot on film, but it stands in my memory: desperate, impoverished men, clinging to a fence, believing with all their might that if only they were to get past the fence and place a hand on our bags that they could eat for a few days.